The Weepy Activist

Death can be an unrelenting asshole. 

To anyone who has lost a loved one, I wish you healing and peace.

Last December, my brother Casey Odell Hilton collapsed at work and died. He would be 44 years old today. Just last month, my nana Adele Lois Hilton and my cousin Vera Reynolds smiled their last smiles.  

This Monday, my child cousin was taken from all those who love her.  She leaves us in a state of disbelief. 

Damn Death!

I have cried more in the last year than I thought was possible.

• I have cried myself to sleep and awaken with fresh tears in my eyes.  
• I've cried in the driver's seat, wiping my tears discretely so as to give my daughter a rest from my sadness and anger on her morning commute to school.  
• Some people take coffee breaks; This year I took "crying breaks" in my car in between work meetings and phone calls.

I'm crying right now. The grief is not something that I fight because it's natural and I know that I just have to get through it (there's no getting over it). 

Getting dressed, making beds, eating, small talk . . . Those things seem so ridiculously unimportant when all of these people, important people, are gone.  That's grief, ya'll. It's heavy and the opposite of upbeat . . . It could be weighing me down every minute but this one thought has persisted in my head and it motivated me to write this post: I'm still here. 

Though I've lost my matriarch, I'm still here to say the "I love you's".  Though my brother's children have lost their dad, I'm still here to protect my child and his. Though we are mourning a child's death, there are children who are still counting on us. 

The responsibility of being here can be crushing (I don't know about you but I was meant to be rich and trouble free) but damn it if it isn't an honor too - especially when I think of how well my nana, my brother, and cousins lived their lives.  

We're still here, ya'll. 

Me at Grandfather Mountain (taken when all of those relatives recently lost were still living)

photo by Natalie Celinna, 12/08/2013

If you are reading this you too are still in the right place and in the right time to make a difference for the people you love and I'm with you.  Take action.