Whentheytellyoutobeyourselftheydon'tmeanthatself

I'm not nice.
According to my ex husband, I'm not sweet either (to clarify, he thought I would be sweet but I was not).
In groups, I'm the one who says the uncomfortable thing and smiles cease to shine.
I ask the question that no one would ask.

Ultimately, I am loved but I am not popular.

I was never really going for popularity.
I don't want to be known as "the nice one".
I don't want to be known at all
but
I do want to connect,
intimately and truthfully.

Yeah,
I care more about the uncomfortable truth than I crave the warmth of acceptance.

Don't
get
me
wrong . . . I crave acceptance-
high fives,
likes,
 smiles,
being in the top 10,
getting the hugs.
All of it.
I long for it.

And
I cannot both pursue authentic being and be broadly appreciated.
I cannot both be loved deeply and make those who love me feel comfortable.
I cannot get to the heart of things without going to
the heart...

And I try
without fangs and syringes.
Oh, I do try yet my softest stroke can burn like a cut on the most tender parts of those I would heal (if they would endure ;).

I know.